Wednesday, February 6, 2008

Things Have Been Said

As a member of a royal bloodline dating back to Antiquity, the Baron has heard a lot of things. Hearsay, innuendo, vile plots against noble kingdoms. Bruce Willis' solo album.

By way of introductions to this blog, I've complied a list of memorable things I've been told by my Exes or the people I, the Baron Augustus Von Nostren, IV, have otherwise dated, met or expressed some sort of interest in the last 29 years of my immortal wanderings in this earthly realm. Little, if anything, has been altered in the below statements (some syntax has been changed slightly, for clarity purposes). Instead of explaining, why a member of an ancient and noble race of God-men would deign to start a "weblog," I'll let the below utterances utter for themselves regarding how modern society has treated the Baron.

A Compendium of Things Communicated to Me By Exes or Near-Exes:
"You can't argue with feelings; You're misinterpreting my tone; You can eff all the fat chicks you want now!; I didn't hit you! You hit me all the time!; I am dating "Suspect" now, not you; That's just the way girls talk; You'll never be successful; You complete me – at least partially; I can communicate with dead people; Why are you being so distant? Let me in; I'm making a feature-length film about people's hands; I'm in the hospital. I had an ovarian cyst that ruptured last night during sex; If you leave, I will tell the police that you hit me; Thanks for committing me when I was suicidal ; We're just in different places in our lives; I think we should just go on separate adventures;
I have this thing where I pull out all of my body hairs one by one; I think you and I have a lot of potential; I normally date guys who are a little gayer than you; I normally date guys who have a little more "Eff you, corporate America!" to them; I voted for Bush in 2000; if you voted for Nader in a swing state, I'd break up with you; I remember we departed from our bodies; Lets not have a threesome, it will distract us from our relationship; Your sense of humor is not funny, it's just insulting; You look like Gelman from the Regis and Kelly Show; you look like Bob Saget; you look like Topher Grace with bad skin; you look Jewish; why aren't you jewish?; I would describe it as "average-to-small"; I wouldn't necessarily call it small; It's better that its not that big, actually; I can't have sex with someone I don't love; Your views on sex are archaic; You label me, you negate me!; All sports are just misplaced male homosexual yearnings; I want to be the next Susan Sontag; I want to be the next Anne Sexton, except for the suicide thing; I really like Kid Rock; Do you have any tats?; You'll never be happy unless you're "wrestling with the angels" like Jacob did in the Old Testament; You're soooo nice!; I usually only date philosophers**; tell me the most fascinating thing about you..."

The Baron's Annex of Things Communicated to Others, but More or Less Overheard:
** I usually only date philosophers; If I were asked to label myself in terms of a spiritual persuasion, I would say that I'm an independent mystic; Recently, I've been seduced by the Sufi mystics.

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